Um…ok….

Do I look like I want to be dating again? I mean, I JUST got divorced 4 months ago, I’ve only been “single” since May. I was completely demoralized and my heart was broken and you wanna ask me, “So, met any nice guys to date?” “Been on a date recently?” “Have you found a new boyfriend yet?”

NO! A big fat N-O with hot fudge and cheeries on top.

Now don’t get me wrong I am not against going on a date…HOWEVER, I am also not going to actively look for one and I don’t want to be in a serious relationship. The only 3 males I want in my life to have a serious relationship with is my God, my son and my daddy. I don’t need or want anything more than that right now.

And yes, yes I have met a few possible guys, but let me be perfectly honest here…my heart is still hurt and broken and I am not over my ex-husband and on top of that, I simply cannot imagine ever being able to trust someone enough to be in a serious dating relationship with…and as far as potential future marriage…I laugh at the thought.

*Disclaimer* I would love to be married again…but I can’t imagine it at this point…

I am not emotionally or mentally ready for that right now. (Though who knows when God could change that..he’s really good at his timing TOTALLY not meeting mine.)

And besides, I have decided I gotta be picky in a future boyfriend/husband/mate. Why wouldn’t I be? The last one was unfaithful and left me for someone else. I mean, talk about a freaking knife to the heart.

And don’t think that any future “whatever” who cheats on me won’t see my inner Lorena Bobbitt come out, ether because she will.

One of these days I have to come up with a “10 Rules for Dating Me” list. Wouldn’t that be fun..I could add something like, buy me presents…all the time…LOL. No no, I kid. In all seriousness, I think I need a list for myself, not just for the guy.

I am not ready, simply put. But I will say this, I will enjoy this single life and maybe get a few free meals on the side! Oh and one more thing dudes…Chivalry is NOT dead…just sayin’

Today starts 2012′s Lent season. Funny how it takes something like that for me to make significant changes. It should just happen, but I suppose I like the idea of a specific time to make changes.

This Lenten season I’m saying Adios to soda. I’ve been wanting to, but it’s like my crack. No. Seriously. It Is. I think it and my bad eating habits plus my ending marriage is why I have gained a significant amount of weight. I’ve been a pop guzzling, fast food finding, feeling eating machine in the past 9 months and I am done. I feel horrible about 95% percent of the time. Clothes I once loved to wear I hate. I am so over feeling like this…

Enter Lent

A perfect time and reason to make changes I’ve known that I have needed to make for a long time but was too lazy to do.

NO MORE!

Starting today, no more soda, no more fast food. Time to get my eating habits back to being healthier. Time to shed this divorce weight and emotional baggage and regain myself.

I want to be healthy for me. I want to be healthy for PMan. I want him to have a mom that will run around with him and not just sit still because she’s too tired and overweight. He deserves a healthy mommy and I deserve to be healthy. I want to look at myself and not dread the way I look. I want to feel better about myself and love myself.

I am hoping this step will help with that. It’s a small step, there are a lot of things I need to work on, a lot of changes I need to make, but giving up the sugary soda and french fries should help.

Are you giving up anything for Lent? Or making any significant changes?

I can’t even begin to explain how exhausting it is to be mom and dad. To not get a good break, to be the only disciplinarian in this home. It’s so difficult. Like right now, I am at my breaking point with PMan. Between the back talk he’s currently in too and the throwing of things when not getting his way, and the hitting and back talk…it’s hard. I feel like I am putting him in time out every 5 minutes.

I can’t seem to get control. I want to cry, I don’t have anyone to back me up here. It’s just me, and P seems to not care anymore that mommy is in charge. Just today he looked at me and said, “Mommy, don’t tell me what to do.” And then threw a toy at me – all over me asking him to pick up his blocks.

What am I doing wrong? How can I help Pman grow and be more respectful? How do I NOT get overwhelmed and want to quit?

Today is one of those days where I want to draw on the strength of God, because it’s all I have. Today is one of those days that tears seems to come randomly or when PMan back talks.

I want to be the best mommy possible and yet, I don’t feel like I have any strength left to do it today.

It’s hard to be the 95% of the time parent. I wish my ex was more in P’s life. I know he would be if we lived closer, but right now I have to be here in Indiana with my family. I have a lot of working through of this new normal to do, I can’t do that in Ohio right now.

You wanna know was even harder, looking at my beautiful son and seeing his daddy. STAB ME IN THE HEART!

I’m. So. Tired.

LEt’s see, what’s been up in my world. I am officially divorced now…PMan and I are mostly settled in here in Indiana. I am switching jobs. I will be starting a new full time job next Monday. I am pumped…anxious and exciting.

I am in counseling…which has been sooo helpful. I have a lot to work through.

Pman is adjusting well. He see’s his dad once a month and talks to him on the phone weekly. (Yah I know, that’s little talk time). He’s getting so big and we are hoping to potty train soon.

More to come…just wanted to do a quick hello post! So good to be back..

I am used to my new reality. The reality that I am a single mom to a three year old. The reality that my ex has chosen a different life for himself. The reality that I work and don’t get to stay home with PMan. The reality that I have to live on a ridiculously tight budget….no time for special things anymore…The reality that I don’t get to walk around holding anyone’s hand, well other than that handsome 3 year old.

Its not an easy reality or fun reality. It sucks – plain and simple. When I walked down the isle in 2005, I didn’t expect or plan for any of this to happen, but who does? It’s hard and scary and emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually draining. While I am used to what my reality is, there are days that I am just so darn angry. Yesterday I had a huge meltdown as I moved…for no reason other than it all hit me – again.

I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone, but sadly I know that this isn’t just my reality. There are so many families out there being broken apart – and that just breaks my heart. And what breaks it most, is knowing that a good portion of those families don’t have Christ in their lives. I can’t imagine not having that kind of hope and strength in my life. I have been praying a lot about how I can be there for others who’ve been through or are going through a similar situation. I don’t have all the answers and certainly won’t claim too, but if I can be there to love and support someone going through this, then I want to. It’s amazing the sisterhood I am finding. I used to think I was all alone in my single-mother, divocree, working mom world, but I’m not.

While this isn’t the story I had planned, I accept it. I chose to live each day to the fullest, to enjoy my precious and crazy three year old, to go to work and make money so that he can I can live and be happy. I wish I could afford to just go out and be frivolous, but I can’t and that’s ok. PMan and I get by with what we have. And we should be and I know I am thankful that I have food in my cupboards, a roof over our head, a bed, gas in my car…THAT’S a Blessing! Each day I choose to see the blessings, rather than the negatives.

My reality is all of this! I am so thankful that God has grown me and provided for me. I couldn’t do this without him and my family and my awesome supportive friends!

But the great news is I LOVE my job. Other than my job at Vista, this is the first one I have had that I go to excited and leave worn, but smiling. That hasn’t really happened for me before.

I am the admin. assistant so I do paperwork and scheduling and payroll and well, pretty much everything! LOL. I don’t mind it. It’s not super hard, just a LOT to remember and look at. Sometimes that can be so exhausting – for example today, today I tried to work on schedule, but instead wanted to yell at the computer LOL.

I can also do POS (registers), CS (customer service), and tomorrow I get to do truck – helping unload. I am gonna be miss go to!

I have the pleasure of working with some pretty darn awesome people. I laugh every time I am there. Though sometimes it’s not easy being “the new girl”.

Yes I get a discount, which I will use – eventually. I kinda need to save up for a place first…but I am eyeing some shoes right now…ok lets be honest, most of the shoes! LOL And Parker, well he’s gonna be well dressed and anyone who gets a gift from me will likely get something fabulous from Kohls!

Kohl’s – Where you can expect great things and where you can find me hovering at my desk in the corner.

(Yes I have a desk!!!! Complete with some pictures on it!)

Warsaw is good – so far. Currently staying with my mom – which is hard, because I don’t have a lot of my own space like I am used to, but its ok, its only for a bit until I can find a place of my own. Parker and I are sharing a bedroom/bed and who knew a 3 year old could hog an entire bed lol!

Kohl’s – The job is going great. I love it. I am an admin assistant, so I have my own desk, I have a set schedule, and I can do just about anything people need me too. Last week was week 1 and consisted of training. Which I still have (technically) for a few more weeks! I had to drive down to a store in Muncie Indiana (thats 2 hours from here) for my admin training. Not bad, really like my admin trainer, and honestly, I get paid for the mileage and such, so its worth it. Anyways I really like it a lot. I have of great co-workers and while yes there is a lot of information and it is overwhelming, I am fitting in quite nicely.

Parker has been good. I don’t think he quite gets it. The hardest part for both of us is me having to work. Thankfully I have some great family and friends that have been helping to watch him. I think this week I am going to look at a day care that I am super excited about. My grandma is going to have him this week, until I can figure out the day care situation. Anyways, He and I have had to adjust to not seeing each other as much. Thankfully I had a 4 day week weekend which has mainly been me playing with Parker and snuggling him. He’s acted out some, but we are working through it. It’s been a definite change and challenge for us but he’s getting to know my side of the family, which is great…I want him too.

I miss Ohio, no doubt, but I am so thankful for being back here. I can tell you that my level of anxiety and stress has gone way down…its been great. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I have felt so relaxed and calm.

So I am settling in and missing my internet! LOL, I have it, but my computer is stupid and won’t work with my mom’s wireless, no clue why. But my grandma has it too and we came here today to hang out and so I am sitting here interneting away!

More updates as things continue to settle even more! Hugs friends!

P.S. get “the” court date this week…

Rather than focusing on this sad, life changing negative stuff of divorce, I want to focus this post on the positive that has come out of this season of life so far.

1) Strength: I now know the strength I have. I am a strong, independent woman. Had you asked me several years ago if I believed that, I’d say heck no, but now, now I can say that I am strong. I can handle what comes my way.

2) Reunion: My relationship with my family is stronger than ever – specifically with my dad. I talk to my dad way more now than I did before all of this. I feel closer to him than I have in a long time. And as far as my family in general – much closer. I am so thankful that God has used a seemingly hard, terrible thing to grow relationships.

3) Contentment: I now know that I can be happy on my own, with out a man/ “relationship”. I was a serial dater growing up, I never felt happy or complete without a boyfriend. Now, now I am ok with that. Of course God could have plans for me in the future to meet someone else, but for now, I am pretty good just being a single mom. It’s scary sometimes, but hey, this world is a scary place.

4) Faith: My faith is so much stronger. You’d think I would be worried/stressed/scared that I am moving without a job. Honestly a part of me is a little of those things, but mainly I just have this complete sense of peace that God’s got it. God always has it…it always had it, even in the uncertain times, the times when i was sure all was lost – he had it. And he knows exactly what my future holds. Praise God that He has a plan – even if I don’t necessarily know it.

5) Testimony: I am going to have quite the testimony. I mean, between PMan’s birth, my 3 year struggle with depression and anxiety and divorce – I have one heck of a testimony. And who knows who is out there that needs to hear it or see it lived out.

So while things may be difficult and sometimes uncertain and sometimes hit me over the head like a ton of bricks, when I look over this list, I am pretty sure, this will all turn out ok!

1. Pray for my foot – for those who don’t know, I sprained my ankle a couple of days ago..I am in a splint and well, kinda need to be better soon, I am moving in a few days.
2. Pray for the move – specifically the packing, the getting the stuff back to Indiana, the moving in with my mother, safe travels as we drive back to Indiana. That we can get everything in 1 load and such.
3. Pray for answers – specifically that I would find a job in Warsaw, that I would then find housing.
4. Pray for PMan – as he adjusts to the move and such. I am glad he’s 3 and doesn’t particularly get it, but I know it’s gonna be hard when daddy doesn’t see him 3 days a week.
5. Pray for my family – just for strength for them as they help me. And that they would not bad mouth Drew around PMan.
6. Pray for Drew – that he will adjust to not seeing Pman as often.

A lot of people don’t understand why I am being “so nice” and still talking to Drew. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I do too, I mean, I do see why people would think I would be mean and treat him like crud, but this simple truth this is…

I love him, I always will.

I chose to marry him and while I never expected our marriage to fall apart and for my new reality to be that I am a (almost) divorced woman and a single mom, I did choose to marry him. I did and still do care so much for him and love him, but don’t think that doesn’t mean I am not hurt, because I am.

He and I both have made a lot of mistakes, some maybe more grievous than others, but none the less, we came into this marriage two broken individuals. There are a lot of would-a, could-a, should-a’s that have been in my head…but I can’t go back and fix the past. Would I still marry him knowing this would be our fate – I don’t know. I wish I could just say no, but the truth is, this man means a lot to me. He saw me through some tough stuff and every day I look at PMan I see Drew. I can’t just forget about him. I can’t just hate him, it’s not that simple.

Sure, it seems simple to anyone that isn’t me. I get a lot of  ”well you shouldn’t let him see PMan” or “how can you stand to talk to him?” or “he doesn’t deserve you to be nice to him.” Whether those our true or not, that’s not the point. I am not going to keep his son away from him – period. PMan deserves to still his daddy as often as possible. As far as how I still talk to him, that’s totally God’s strength in me. It would be so easy to treat him like dirt and not care, but I do. God is working in me and teaching me about grace. He’s teaching me about what it means to be an example of Christ. You may be right, he may not deserve me to be nice, but I will not punish him.

I am not saying that what has happened between us hasn’t hurt me and made me feel betrayed, what I am saying is that God, God is using this season to teach me so much. Had you asked me a few years ago about how I would handle something like this, I probably would have agreed that I would be mean and play dirty and not care…

I guess I am writing all this to say, not matter what my future holds, Drew will be a part of it. After all, PMan is his son. We are fortunate that we can get along so well all things considered.

I am always writing to ask for prayers…not for me but for Drew and his lady friend. Why? Well because even though they seem like the bad guys, they deserve prayer and God loves them too. I pray for them both often. Because my hope is that out of this will come some good on their side – whatever that is.

And please don’t tell me how to feel. Honestly each day is different and I do care about Drew and his family. I always will, even though I won’t be a part of the family.

God is bigger than all of this. God’s got it…He knew about this even before we met – so he obviously has big plans!