It’s Coming…

I am about 2 months away from the 1 yr anniversary of when my life changed forever. May 3rd will always be etched in my mind as the day my whole world got flipped upside down. I think I will always be somewhat reminded of the reality that my family fell apart that day. That what I knew as normal changed dramatically.

And I just wanna skip it. Go into hiding…especially this year, because it’s still so fresh in my memory.

I can’t though. I have an almost 4 year old that needs his mommy to not go into an emotionally downward spiral. I have a job that requires me to be on point. I have a new life/normal state of being that I must live. And I, I must overcome what is promising to be quite honestly the hardest few days of my life. The only day I dread this year…Oct 12…because well that’s when “it” was officially made legally done.

My counselor (whom I adore and could rave about for hours) told me something Tuesday when discussing the upcoming anniversary…he told me I shouldn’t be alone. And PMan doesn’t count. I need to surround myself with people for a few days…just find ways to keep busy and have fun to get through it and not dwell.

Because that’s what I do…I dwell, I get sad and I go into hiding and into a walking zombie state.

So what will I do myself that week? Good question! My tentative plan is to head to Ohio.

To which you say, DENISE ARE YOU INSANE???? Why go back to the place where it all fell apart…

To which I say: because there are people there that I know will be exactly what I need to make it through. Those people walked me through a very scary, dark time and this year, what I want more than anything is to be there for a few days prior to see those people. To go to the zoo, to throw PMan an early bday party with his friends…to be with people that make me happy and know me and will not allow me to get into a funk over it.

I want that day, that week, to be just another day and week in my life. This year will be the toughest for me..and I can’t imagine going through it with anyone else. Over the years that date and week will come and I won’t even remember, but this year, this year I know I will.

And by then I will have plenty of paid time off to take a little break. And I will need it.

So rather than dreading May 3rd, I will be excited for the fact that I get to go be with my dearest sweetest friends. And believe you me, I will keep busy…those crazy people in my life will make me!

So Columbus and possibly Cincinnati people…tentatively plan for me and PMan to come out April 29 – May 3 or 4.

Because this year I will celebrate and have fun! That’s my goal!

Anti-Potty PMan

I seriously don’t know what to do here.

I have an almost 4 year old that will not try the potty…doesn’t want anything to do with big boy underwear and has to be potty trained to go to preschool.

People say, you can do it in one day…I just read a post about it…and yes I have a day I can do it in, but im sure he’ll still have accidents and such for the week after and being a single full time working mom…yikes.

It feels nearly impossible…I wanna cry thinking about it…I am crying thinking about it.

I don’t know how to teach him to stand up and go potty…there is no male influence in his life that can…which I know, he’s only 4 her can sit, but still.

I really just wanna bang my head against a wall about this..

Thats all…needed to vent

Who Would Want Me?

Can I just be brutally honest here…

I have really not been liking myself as of recent.

That stupid devil is in my head and I am struggling to shake him. It all started Saturday after the date. (Sidebar: It wasn’t awful, but he and I said like 10 words to each other and it was obvious to me he was far from interested and I was not interested…) Anyways I came home and began to let the lack of interest eat at me…and here we are, Wed and it’s eating at me really well.

Who’s gonna want to be with a single mom? A single mom that to the world’s standards doesn’t fit the mold. I have two things against me here. 1) I am a single mom. 2) I am not skinny…I am not what the world, society deems “beautiful”. The latter is what bothers me most, because to some extent I can change it. I can lose weight, put on loads of make up, wear revealing clothes, etc. But that’s not me..(the make up and clothes part haha). I would love to magically snap my fingers and make myself look how I want to look…but it just doesn’t work that way.

And because of how society works and what it says is beautiful, I don’t match up. Forget that I have a wonderful personality and am loving and such…I don’t look like a 10 so there goes a good percentage of the guys.

So those are 2 “strikes” against me. Then add in that I am a Christian and have certain beliefs and values (some regarding, ahem, s-e-x) and strike 3.

Add those up and mix together with that darn satan guy and BAM….I start thinking things. These thoughts start to eat at me and I become convinced that I will remain alone forever. Which, I know, is not a bad thing, but that’s not my point here. My point is that. I have to come up with a way to change my thinking. Because it’s obviously not helping me and it’s not healthy. I will be the first to stand up and admit that I don’t feel I have value. I don’t feel like im worth it. It’s hard to feel that way…given what I went through. The ex left some deep wounds that actually are less about him and more about me…he made me feel loves and valuable and worthy, then he took that away when he chose someone else over me.

I thought I was getting it back…but I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I don’t like feeling this way andI realize that the only guy that matters is my Daddy in Heaven.

But it doesn’t make it easy.

So I am writing this, not fishing for compliments or anything. I write this for 1) to get it out… I can’t hold it in. And 2) to ask for prayer, this is a very specific prayer you can pray for me.

I know that I am one lucky gal. I mean, if Pman isn’t enough to make me lucky, add in my amazing awesome friends that stick by me and support me through all of life’s ups and downs, add in my family, add in my job…and add in MY GOD.

I need to remind myself of that more.

Blind Date

I just have one question, WHAT AM I THINKING!?

I let my friend talk me into doing on a blind date tomorrow night. The selling point – her and her husband will be with us. Because you know, there’s safety in numbers. And the best part its a blind date…I know nothing about this guy..well not nothing, I do know his name and a couple of random things my friend has told me. I am going in not knowing what he looks like, how he is personality wise, ect.

And all I can think is…WHAT AM I DOING?

I haven’t dated since 2005 when I met the ex. LOL…what’s the new dating scene like? I don’t know. I am ready to start dating again, I do know that. I am not looking for a new husband though, honestly my view of marriage is kind of distorted right now after my divorce…but that’s a whole other post.

Back to my date…so many what if’s going through my head. What if this, what if that, what if this that and the other. I don’t know what to expect so I can honestly I am going in expecting pizza and talking and nothing more haha.

But seriously, WHAT AM I THINKING? Why did I agree to this again? I seriously don’t know haha!

I’ll make a post about the experience after the fact…with no names, just because well, gotta protect Mr. Blind Date Guy haha…

Here goes nothing…

What I Want Vs. What God has Planned…

What I want:

To not be divorced

To not be a single mom

To not be working full time

To be a SAHM

To feel financially stable 

To not feel tired all the time

To not be sad

What God Has Planned:

For me to live in the complete opposite of what I want to teach me…grow me….

Sigh

“The Room”

There it sits, all isolated behind to sets of closed doors down that hallway that you can’t go down unless your wearing the proper attire. Its a room that on my first day at the hospital I got to face. And it was pretty much what you expected.

The room, of course is the OB O.R. where many a baby is cut out of its mommy’s belly. The c-section room as I call it. Each day I believe at our hospital at least 1 baby is born via c-section. A vast majority are pre-planned. Some are because mommy has pushed so darn long she has nothing left to give, a few, a few are the dreaded Emergency C-section.

Today there was in fact an emergency c-section. Guess who almost had to help clean up after the fact? This girl. And you’d think, well thats not so bad. But. It. Is.

My sweet Pman was born via emergency c-section. Not at this hospital, but at a hospital, in an OB O.R. So please excuse me if I shed a little tear (or 50) when I realized that I could be facing “the room” after something I would have been through. The idea nearly knocked the wind out of me. I didn’t care so much about the thought of seeing blood, it was just the idea that a mommy came in didn’t expect to have a baby today and boom, there he is. (it was a he, he is fine, he was beautiful btw).

You cannot even begin to grasp the emotions I went through that day on May 29, 2008. No mommy wants to hear, well, your having a baby today…especially not 3 months early (the baby today wasn’t that early..). No mommy wants to be told, hey, btw, we are gonna give you general anesthesia and oh, yah, your husband, well he has to sit out in the hall while we give birth to your son (I vast majority of emergency c-sections are not as emergency as mine was). I didn’t like watching a ceiling as fell asleep, and I didn’t like or plan waking up being intubated and very very ill in the ICU. My son down a few floors in the NICU, weighing a measly 2lbs.

So maybe now you can understand why today, today I wasn’t ready to face “The Room” after an (not so emergent) emergency c-section. I told the sweet lady I was training with that I may not be able to do it if we had to. She understood. So we started with the exam room that mommy had been in upon arrival. By the time we got done, it was time to go home, 2nd shift would be cleaning it out – and this girl was relieved.

Still, walking out I looked down that hallway to see the room…realizing that just a bit ago a sweet miracle was born to a very happy mommy and daddy.

Jump to me getting to my car. It. All. Hits. Me. Flashbacks to the day I went in thinking it was just stomach issues, flashback to the man I loved and adored and was gonna spend my life with being there with me through it all. Flashback to Pman at 2lbs. Tears streaming down my face I began to dial a number…of someone I knew would get it and comfort me, except, hes not my husband anymore. I can’t call him.

MORE TEARS – many many more.

I just wanted someone who understood and went through it with me to talk to. I knew he’d know what to say. But I couldn’t.

So “the room” will probably be my little piece of hell for a while. On any given day when a mommy goes in and has a “normal” c-section, Ill survive it, blood and all. But on those days when it’s the story of an emergency c-section, ill have to face it head on.

And ill have to learn to deal with it on my own.

This is one day ill never forget. March 1, 2012. the Day I had to almost face “the room” after “the E-C-Section” and almost called my ex husband.

Le Sigh

Gloating about Friends…

I truly believe I am the luckiest gal. Because God has SERIOUSLY blessed me with some AMAZING friends. If I took the time to write about each one individually this post would be too long, but I did wanna just gloat a minute about them.

Growing up, I had several good friends, most I no longer talk to…due to the groups we ended up in high school, or distance or just falling apart…there are a few though that I still talk to. The few I do talk to know me probably too well (ahem, Jessie *cough* *cough*). Some of the friends I had a falling out with…and it breaks my heart, but that’s part of life.

In college I made a great group of friends…the “posse”. Oh. my. word. do I miss them..a ton…like a ton a ton. I tell you what, it was in college I learned the true meaning of friendship. These ladies I became friends with have been a part of my life for over 10 years and have helped me through so much. This group of gals means the world to me.

Then there are those I have met online. I have several friends I’ve made through blogging, but I have to share about my newest dearest online buddy. For now she’ll remain nameless, for personal reasons, but I wanna tell you about her.

I have known this lady for maybe a week now and yet, I feel ive known her forever. We are kindred spirits, God destined us to be friends. See she “gets” my current status in life..she’s walking though a lot of the same stuff. And let me tell you, to know that even those I’ve never met her in person, never heard her voice, and she lives several states away and yet I feel close to her, well that’s hard to come by. I met her about a day after sitting at my counselor’s office crying because as much as I love all my friends (and I do) most don’t get any of what I am going through and I don’t really know many people here yet at church. A day later, a mutual friend gave me my new friends email and bam – our friendship started. God brings people into our life at the right time, no?

There are several other online friends ive made and I am thankful for each…some I have met in person…others I haven’t.

And before I end this post, let me gloat about the lovely amazing people I met in Columbus. I think the thing I want to say about them is, i could not be more thankful they were there for me when my who world came crashing down. Many were also there for me when I had PMan, several I met through his birth…I look back on my time there, in Columbus, as Vista with such a joy. I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss everyone.

This post is a little more randomly worded then I wanted but I do wanna say this. Treasure your friends, love them and be thankful for them.

I know that I treasure, love and am so thankful for mine

I wish I could give you all a huge hug…I love you all so darn much!