Losing Weight.

25 Aug

It’s been a battle of mine, trying to lose weight and keep it off. I have done diets on and off for years. The most success I had was on Weight Watchers. I’ve been really wanting to work on my body, health, weight. And now I kind have a goal..to lose weight and look HOT at my brother’s wedding in April.

Here’s the thing, what is a realistic weight to lose in 8 months without going on a diet like weight watchers? I don’t have the money to do something like that right now, but I want to eat healthy and work out more. If I can come up with a good realistic # then on Sept. 1st, I am going to start my diet. Well I will regardless.

I wanna do this for myself, because I hate the way I look and how unhealthy I feel and eat. I want to do this so I gain confidence back and health back. I need to do this for health reasons.

So yah. thats about all. Just needed to write this down, type it out.

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Please Pray

14 Aug

It’s nearly 2am and here I sit posting on my blog. Why? Because my mind won’t stop swirling. I am anxious and worried and stressed and depleted. So I am putting this down in words to hopefully get it out and make it easier to sleep.

Friends, I need prayer. Yes, I ask for it a lot, but right now, I need all kinds of prayer. Deep, thoughtful, lay-your-hands-on-me prayer.

Bills are mounting….therefore stress is mounting. Pray that somehow I will be able to pay all my bills and not have only 2 cents in my account at the end of the month. Pray that I figure out even more ways to cut corners and save a buck or 30.

It wouldn’t be so bad really if I wasn’t paying a bunch each month on my college loans. Deferment you say? If possible I want to avoid it, because my loans have been deferred so much that my interest is sky high. There are times I wish that some wonderful stranger or friend would just anonymously pay off my loans…like a scene from a movie. Yah yah, i know wishful thinking…but it’s a nice thought. I find Sallie Mae absolutely exhausting to deal with.

Then there is the issue of a new place. As much as I like the location of my place now, I can’t really afford to stay here financially, not to mention my neighbors creep me out and I worry for PMan’s safety at times. The problem is, so many of the apartment complexes here are so overpriced and the so called “income based ones” are not really that. The one apartment community I know of that is 100% income based is scuzzy and I’d stay here over that place any day. This town isn’t huge and it’s not always easy to find those random apartments that you can find other places. But my lease is up in Oct and I would really really like to move out. But I am really struggling to find any place decent within my means. One place I found the landlord never called me back…

I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. My mind doesn’t shut off and so therefore I don’t sleep well. My anxiousness is high and my worry is even worse.

I am gonna be blunt, it just doesn’t seem fair. I am working so hard at my job, doing what I can to provide for PMan and I just cannot seem to catch a break. People that I thought I could trust have sorta turned on me (just a couple). And yes I have family that’s willing to help, but I don’t want them to over extend themselves.

Add in my depression, PMan’s school bills (to be paid with support money), my dentist appts for some dental work, everyday costs, the ridiculous price of gas, and the general feeling of loneliness and I am spent.

I want with all my heart to trust God in this, but I am at this point where even that becomes difficult. I’ve been working on that in my counseling, also been working on prayer and how to talk to god and just be me and then listen. But even counseling is stretching my budget. To the point where I may need to stop…which I don’t won’t because it’s so beneficial.

I wish all of you could come over and just lay hands on me and pray…because it would so help me feel better. But you can’t.

I am depleted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, any other ally’s I can’t think of.

So I am asking you to pray…I feel bad for doing it because I feel I do it so often, but it helps and so I am asking for you to do it.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I’m done now..maybe I shall try to sleep.

🙂

Out of the mouth of babes….

1 May

Today in the car…

PMan: “Mommy, I don’t like doing with daddy?”
Me” Why honey?”
PMan: “Because I miss you too much, you’re fun to play with…”

Flattered of course, but want P to enjoy seeing his daddy too…

Dear 1D Fans

1 May

Dearest Crazy One Direction Fans,

I am writing you this because someone needs to. The amount of crazy some of you possess is kind of concerning to me and I wanted you to know…its not ok. But let me start out saying…

I get it. I once was a tween/teen girl who though New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys were the most amazing delicious things since sliced bread. And hey, I get that those 5 lads from England are cute, charming, and make your heart swoon…but here’s a dose of reality….they don’t know you from Eve.

I think it’s crazy to threaten their girlfriends….put death hits out on them. I hate to tell you this but Liam, Niall, Harry, Louis and Zayne will almost likely never ever date you. And you threatening their girlfriends or anyone that looks at them is not the best idea. First of all, how old are you and you’re making these threats, second of all, really? Threatening their lives? Really?

Also, did I mention that you don’t stand a chance? I mean, I hate to be brutal here, but well I don’t, because some of you are plain delusional. These boys don’t know you from the millions of other screaming annoying fans…and honestly, with their stardom, they are likely going to chose to be with people like models or actresses…

I just ask that you chill. Because in a few years they will not be the newest sensation since sliced bread.

Yes I still love NKOTB and BSB (even went to their concert thankyouverymuch) but as you grow up and such, you learn that while they are a delight to the ears and eyes….reality is…they are famous…so enjoy staring at them, and drooling over them, but just stop pretending you’re gonna be Mrs Harry Styles or whatever…cuz its just annoying.

Sincerely,

Me (the One Direction Cougar!)

The State of Deni Address

29 Apr

Consider yourself warned…this is a verbal throw up post. I have so much swirling and twirling and clogging my head that I must get it all out.

It’s been a year people…well (almost). A year since my whole entire world was turned upside down and left me completely shocked and lost on a new path. A year tomorrow is when I found out about his betrayal. A year tomorrow when all I could do was call my friend and stay away to clear my head.

A year on May 2nd when I made the hardest decision of my life. Asking him to go, thinking he’d stay…him leaving…only to never come back. I know it was the right thing to do as hard and painful and emotionally draining as it was on me. I never expected him not to come back to us. I never expected that within a week of him leaving, we would utter those words to each other that you never wanna hear. Him: “its over…” Me: “I think its best we get a divorce.”

And I HATE divorce people, hate it. But it was clear that it was the best option as I had exhausted all my options. I don’t regret it for a second, though life has been a challenge.

And I should note…I don’t hate him anymore. (yes I hated him..sorry human here!) I don’t hate him at all. My heart breaks for the decisions he’s made and for the lack of reaching out to his son that he chooses to do. I saw a thing tonight on pintrest (new obsession!) that said: “I don’t hate you, I’m just disappointed you turned into everything you said you’d never be.” That’s exactly how I feel. Not only am I disappointed though, I am very sad. I am sad that this was the road he chose, that he hurt not only me, that he choose not to reach out to this precious child beside me.

So what’s my state? How is me at this moment? Well I am a hot mess. Im somewhere in between happy and sad. I am very thoughtful, but thankful. I am not entirely sure how to explain it. Obviously the events of a year ago are in the back of my mind, yet, here I sit at my friend’s house in good ‘ol Columbus and my heart is at peace. I am making new, better memories to remember next year at this time. Ones that will far outweigh and overshadow the hard ones of last year. That’s why I came here at this point. Because I want to see Columbus as a place of joy and “home” rather than that place where my whole world fell apart.

Coming back here is like being home. My heart is home here and even more so because I am so blessed to have an amazing kid who owns it. My heart spends most of it’s time at home with PMan, hugging him, loving him, having him kiss me before bed. But there are other times, my heart spends time here, in Columbus. I got back here and just breathed a sigh of relief, peace, calm. Ahhhh…like soaking in a hot tub…with a nice glass of wine (or maybe not wine, mango margarita!), under the stars…thats what columbus is like.

I am conflicted too though. Because there is a huge part of me that would drop it all and move back here no questions asked. Not so much the responsible thing to do at this point. I am praying about going back to school to finish my Early Childhood Ed degree and then maybe pursue counseling as a masters…
(can I just say, never in a million trillion years did I think I would utter/type those words…)

So the state of Deni is: Healing (I am far from completely healed my friends), Happy, At peace, trusting God in all of this…every up, down, bill, anxious though, angry moment, doubting myself moment; Also, im thankful. Thankful for the amazing people that have stood by me through this year, thankful for my family who selflessly helps with PMan, thankful for my friends…for so many things, thankful for the beautiful miracle I get to call my son, thankful that I have a Daddy in heaven that’s totally got this.

I am blessed my friends. And while I will still have those days im mad for the path im on, the good ones where I am thankful are more numerous than the hard ones now. I’ve been through a lot of growing pains this year…its been hard, but look at me now – able to blog this and know that I am going to bed with a huge smile on my face, rather than tears streaming down.

Here’s to a new year where anything is possible (like potty training…lol!)

What a difference a year makes…this year, I am making new and better me

So about the boyfriend…

22 Apr

…there isn’t one anymore.

And I am 100% ok with that. Because he hasn’t contacted me in a week and I couldn’t get a hold of him until tonight. The only # I had for him was his friends and I am not gonna have a middle person in my relationship.

Not to mention he started pushing for a faster relationship, which I simply didn’t want.

And seriously, im 100% ok. It was worth a shot..ya know? And I gave it a shot…God will bring the right and perfect guy to me when its the right time and obviously D wasn’t it. At least not at this point.

No being sad for me. I know this is what is best!

On Marriage

20 Apr

Figures, as soon as I get a new boyfriend people start throwing the marriage word around.

Really? Really.

To which I say, uh, no thank you…marriage is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I have ZERO desire to get married again in the near, distant or really future at all.

And who can blame me?

I mean, do I really look like I want to go down THAT road again – a road where in the end I was tremendously hurt and emotionally abused? A road where, I found myself in the darkest pits of hell? A road where…the heartbreak is quite unbearable? Yah, because that sounds like a party – NOT.

I am not ruling marriage out completely in the VERY VERY far future. I, like any other girl, I want that fairy tale, I want to lively happily ever after, but I have way too much healing to still go through to even begin to think about marriage.

And yes, while I am dating someone…its simply that, dating. I am in no rush for anything…and my poor boyfriend has learned that, the hard way. We had a little discussion the other night about what I need right now. And being smothered and all overly touched and PDA filled is not what I need. He remembers me from high school, back then, I was all about spending tons of time together and PDA. Now, though, things are different. Theres a lot of hurt and wounds and such that I gotta work through still.

And thankfully he gets that and cares enough about me to respect my wishes on things. And I am glad.

But really, why is it that people still feel the need to bring up the “m” word to me again? Seriously? Why can’t people focus on their own stuff and leave my life alone. I’ll get married again when and if I want to and the timing of it is none of anyones business.

just because my ex got engaged 2 months after our divorce was finalized does not mean I will. TRUST ME….I won’t, well I can’t because we’re way past that two month time span anyways…

And besides, I have a list a mile long of all the expectations that a future husband must meet before he puts a ring on this naked finger of mine. Oh the hoops and tests he will have to go through.

Marriage – meh…no thanks…not for a while