Who Would Want Me?

Can I just be brutally honest here…

I have really not been liking myself as of recent.

That stupid devil is in my head and I am struggling to shake him. It all started Saturday after the date. (Sidebar: It wasn’t awful, but he and I said like 10 words to each other and it was obvious to me he was far from interested and I was not interested…) Anyways I came home and began to let the lack of interest eat at me…and here we are, Wed and it’s eating at me really well.

Who’s gonna want to be with a single mom? A single mom that to the world’s standards doesn’t fit the mold. I have two things against me here. 1) I am a single mom. 2) I am not skinny…I am not what the world, society deems “beautiful”. The latter is what bothers me most, because to some extent I can change it. I can lose weight, put on loads of make up, wear revealing clothes, etc. But that’s not me..(the make up and clothes part haha). I would love to magically snap my fingers and make myself look how I want to look…but it just doesn’t work that way.

And because of how society works and what it says is beautiful, I don’t match up. Forget that I have a wonderful personality and am loving and such…I don’t look like a 10 so there goes a good percentage of the guys.

So those are 2 “strikes” against me. Then add in that I am a Christian and have certain beliefs and values (some regarding, ahem, s-e-x) and strike 3.

Add those up and mix together with that darn satan guy and BAM….I start thinking things. These thoughts start to eat at me and I become convinced that I will remain alone forever. Which, I know, is not a bad thing, but that’s not my point here. My point is that. I have to come up with a way to change my thinking. Because it’s obviously not helping me and it’s not healthy. I will be the first to stand up and admit that I don’t feel I have value. I don’t feel like im worth it. It’s hard to feel that way…given what I went through. The ex left some deep wounds that actually are less about him and more about me…he made me feel loves and valuable and worthy, then he took that away when he chose someone else over me.

I thought I was getting it back…but I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I don’t like feeling this way andI realize that the only guy that matters is my Daddy in Heaven.

But it doesn’t make it easy.

So I am writing this, not fishing for compliments or anything. I write this for 1) to get it out… I can’t hold it in. And 2) to ask for prayer, this is a very specific prayer you can pray for me.

I know that I am one lucky gal. I mean, if Pman isn’t enough to make me lucky, add in my amazing awesome friends that stick by me and support me through all of life’s ups and downs, add in my family, add in my job…and add in MY GOD.

I need to remind myself of that more.