The State of Deni Address

29 Apr

Consider yourself warned…this is a verbal throw up post. I have so much swirling and twirling and clogging my head that I must get it all out.

It’s been a year people…well (almost). A year since my whole entire world was turned upside down and left me completely shocked and lost on a new path. A year tomorrow is when I found out about his betrayal. A year tomorrow when all I could do was call my friend and stay away to clear my head.

A year on May 2nd when I made the hardest decision of my life. Asking him to go, thinking he’d stay…him leaving…only to never come back. I know it was the right thing to do as hard and painful and emotionally draining as it was on me. I never expected him not to come back to us. I never expected that within a week of him leaving, we would utter those words to each other that you never wanna hear. Him: “its over…” Me: “I think its best we get a divorce.”

And I HATE divorce people, hate it. But it was clear that it was the best option as I had exhausted all my options. I don’t regret it for a second, though life has been a challenge.

And I should note…I don’t hate him anymore. (yes I hated him..sorry human here!) I don’t hate him at all. My heart breaks for the decisions he’s made and for the lack of reaching out to his son that he chooses to do. I saw a thing tonight on pintrest (new obsession!) that said: “I don’t hate you, I’m just disappointed you turned into everything you said you’d never be.” That’s exactly how I feel. Not only am I disappointed though, I am very sad. I am sad that this was the road he chose, that he hurt not only me, that he choose not to reach out to this precious child beside me.

So what’s my state? How is me at this moment? Well I am a hot mess. Im somewhere in between happy and sad. I am very thoughtful, but thankful. I am not entirely sure how to explain it. Obviously the events of a year ago are in the back of my mind, yet, here I sit at my friend’s house in good ‘ol Columbus and my heart is at peace. I am making new, better memories to remember next year at this time. Ones that will far outweigh and overshadow the hard ones of last year. That’s why I came here at this point. Because I want to see Columbus as a place of joy and “home” rather than that place where my whole world fell apart.

Coming back here is like being home. My heart is home here and even more so because I am so blessed to have an amazing kid who owns it. My heart spends most of it’s time at home with PMan, hugging him, loving him, having him kiss me before bed. But there are other times, my heart spends time here, in Columbus. I got back here and just breathed a sigh of relief, peace, calm. Ahhhh…like soaking in a hot tub…with a nice glass of wine (or maybe not wine, mango margarita!), under the stars…thats what columbus is like.

I am conflicted too though. Because there is a huge part of me that would drop it all and move back here no questions asked. Not so much the responsible thing to do at this point. I am praying about going back to school to finish my Early Childhood Ed degree and then maybe pursue counseling as a masters…
(can I just say, never in a million trillion years did I think I would utter/type those words…)

So the state of Deni is: Healing (I am far from completely healed my friends), Happy, At peace, trusting God in all of this…every up, down, bill, anxious though, angry moment, doubting myself moment; Also, im thankful. Thankful for the amazing people that have stood by me through this year, thankful for my family who selflessly helps with PMan, thankful for my friends…for so many things, thankful for the beautiful miracle I get to call my son, thankful that I have a Daddy in heaven that’s totally got this.

I am blessed my friends. And while I will still have those days im mad for the path im on, the good ones where I am thankful are more numerous than the hard ones now. I’ve been through a lot of growing pains this year…its been hard, but look at me now – able to blog this and know that I am going to bed with a huge smile on my face, rather than tears streaming down.

Here’s to a new year where anything is possible (like potty training…lol!)

What a difference a year makes…this year, I am making new and better me


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