Please Pray

14 Aug

It’s nearly 2am and here I sit posting on my blog. Why? Because my mind won’t stop swirling. I am anxious and worried and stressed and depleted. So I am putting this down in words to hopefully get it out and make it easier to sleep.

Friends, I need prayer. Yes, I ask for it a lot, but right now, I need all kinds of prayer. Deep, thoughtful, lay-your-hands-on-me prayer.

Bills are mounting….therefore stress is mounting. Pray that somehow I will be able to pay all my bills and not have only 2 cents in my account at the end of the month. Pray that I figure out even more ways to cut corners and save a buck or 30.

It wouldn’t be so bad really if I wasn’t paying a bunch each month on my college loans. Deferment you say? If possible I want to avoid it, because my loans have been deferred so much that my interest is sky high. There are times I wish that some wonderful stranger or friend would just anonymously pay off my loans…like a scene from a movie. Yah yah, i know wishful thinking…but it’s a nice thought. I find Sallie Mae absolutely exhausting to deal with.

Then there is the issue of a new place. As much as I like the location of my place now, I can’t really afford to stay here financially, not to mention my neighbors creep me out and I worry for PMan’s safety at times. The problem is, so many of the apartment complexes here are so overpriced and the so called “income based ones” are not really that. The one apartment community I know of that is 100% income based is scuzzy and I’d stay here over that place any day. This town isn’t huge and it’s not always easy to find those random apartments that you can find other places. But my lease is up in Oct and I would really really like to move out. But I am really struggling to find any place decent within my means. One place I found the landlord never called me back…

I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. My mind doesn’t shut off and so therefore I don’t sleep well. My anxiousness is high and my worry is even worse.

I am gonna be blunt, it just doesn’t seem fair. I am working so hard at my job, doing what I can to provide for PMan and I just cannot seem to catch a break. People that I thought I could trust have sorta turned on me (just a couple). And yes I have family that’s willing to help, but I don’t want them to over extend themselves.

Add in my depression, PMan’s school bills (to be paid with support money), my dentist appts for some dental work, everyday costs, the ridiculous price of gas, and the general feeling of loneliness and I am spent.

I want with all my heart to trust God in this, but I am at this point where even that becomes difficult. I’ve been working on that in my counseling, also been working on prayer and how to talk to god and just be me and then listen. But even counseling is stretching my budget. To the point where I may need to stop…which I don’t won’t because it’s so beneficial.

I wish all of you could come over and just lay hands on me and pray…because it would so help me feel better. But you can’t.

I am depleted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, any other ally’s I can’t think of.

So I am asking you to pray…I feel bad for doing it because I feel I do it so often, but it helps and so I am asking for you to do it.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I’m done now..maybe I shall try to sleep.



2 Responses to “Please Pray”

  1. Gintry August 14, 2012 at 8:40 am #

    Sweetie you and Pman are in my prayers. If you ever need anything you know I’m here for you. Dont forget I work third shift so I’m up all night if you need a friend. I know it’s hard for you and you feel like you have hit rock bottom and it’s dark down there but remember God never puts us through anything he knows we can’t handle. We all go through times when we question Gods plan for us. In time everything will be clear and these rough times will just be a distant memory.

  2. Leslie August 14, 2012 at 10:24 am #

    I don’t remember what state you live in, but in NC we have a program through DSS where they help pay for childcare. You may want to check into that to see if they have anything like that for your state. If so, there is no shame in doing that until you get other stuff in order.

    My mom runs a daycare and some of the parents there get the assistance. Then within a year or two, they have worked things out and saved up some money so they don’t need the help any more.

    That would be my suggestion… just check into that to see if it is available.

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