The Boyfriend

16 Apr

The. Boyfriend.

You heard it right. There’s a boyfriend!

And because EVERYONE is asking and I am such a kind person, I am going to share a bit about him.

D. and I have know each other since we were in high school. We lost contact after I went to college and moved to a new place with his mom. Last week, I got a random call from him. He ran into my mom a few weeks ago when he was visiting his dad. We have talked a lot and decided, hey, lets give this a shot. Yesterday he came down from WI to see me and hang out. We spent the night watching movies and catching up.

D. is pretty awesome in that he understands that I am a little freaked out. This is my first relationship since my marriage and its new and exciting and scary and terrifying all at the same time. D gets that. He understands that i may not be totally emotionally and mentally ready for this but to me its worth the try.

Yesterday too, on FB I randomly changed my status back. That’s because he didn’t really want me to. (And he had no good reason why! LOL) Long story short I won!

So we will see how this goes….

And now you all know. Oh also, he’s moving back to the area!!! Which makes me super excited. And its not because of me…though I suppose I sweeten the deal lol.

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What Happened at Wendy’s

1 Apr

All I wanted to do was treat my precious little man to a special mommy/pman date. That’s all I wanted. to go to wendy’s share some chicken nuggets and talk with him about Palm Sunday. Because he didn’t understand why he took a “tree” home.

But instead, instead I ended up walking out of Wendy’s with a 3 year old in the middle of a tantrum. Screaming (like bloody murder), crying, kicking me, and the occasional. MOMMY I HATE YOU!

Those words alone could kill me…but add in everyone looking at me and whispering and I think the embarrassment killed me more. I hauled him out to the car where he proceeded to lay on the back seat and cry and scream.

And why was he doing all of this?

Because he didn’t get the toy he wanted.

That right there, that whole stupid and frustrating incident is why I hate being a single parent at times. I don’t get a back up, support…I do it all on my own, practically all of the time. I get one weekend a month as a break when Pman goes to Ohio to see his dad. That’s all my friends.

And I get to hear as I ask his dad how a weekend was, “Oh my gosh, im so tired…he’s exhausting?” Yah, he is isn’t he? Imagine doing it as much as I do, on my own, no significant other to help me. Sorry if my sympathy is a little low for you.

I really hate being a single mom sometimes. But, when all is said and done, I am thankful that I am his mom. I am thankful I am a full time single mom because what I am trying to teach and instill in him, I know others won’t.

I feel weak…a lot of the time, because this is exhausting and lonely and scary. There are so many highs, but the lows are almost too much sometime.

And then I am reminded of this: “My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in your weakness.” 2 Corn. 12:9

Somedays, all I have is His power. God is my strength and even when meltdowns occur and I wonder if I can carry on…God is there…carrying me through.

It’s Coming…

28 Mar

I am about 2 months away from the 1 yr anniversary of when my life changed forever. May 3rd will always be etched in my mind as the day my whole world got flipped upside down. I think I will always be somewhat reminded of the reality that my family fell apart that day. That what I knew as normal changed dramatically.

And I just wanna skip it. Go into hiding…especially this year, because it’s still so fresh in my memory.

I can’t though. I have an almost 4 year old that needs his mommy to not go into an emotionally downward spiral. I have a job that requires me to be on point. I have a new life/normal state of being that I must live. And I, I must overcome what is promising to be quite honestly the hardest few days of my life. The only day I dread this year…Oct 12…because well that’s when “it” was officially made legally done.

My counselor (whom I adore and could rave about for hours) told me something Tuesday when discussing the upcoming anniversary…he told me I shouldn’t be alone. And PMan doesn’t count. I need to surround myself with people for a few days…just find ways to keep busy and have fun to get through it and not dwell.

Because that’s what I do…I dwell, I get sad and I go into hiding and into a walking zombie state.

So what will I do myself that week? Good question! My tentative plan is to head to Ohio.

To which you say, DENISE ARE YOU INSANE???? Why go back to the place where it all fell apart…

To which I say: because there are people there that I know will be exactly what I need to make it through. Those people walked me through a very scary, dark time and this year, what I want more than anything is to be there for a few days prior to see those people. To go to the zoo, to throw PMan an early bday party with his friends…to be with people that make me happy and know me and will not allow me to get into a funk over it.

I want that day, that week, to be just another day and week in my life. This year will be the toughest for me..and I can’t imagine going through it with anyone else. Over the years that date and week will come and I won’t even remember, but this year, this year I know I will.

And by then I will have plenty of paid time off to take a little break. And I will need it.

So rather than dreading May 3rd, I will be excited for the fact that I get to go be with my dearest sweetest friends. And believe you me, I will keep busy…those crazy people in my life will make me!

So Columbus and possibly Cincinnati people…tentatively plan for me and PMan to come out April 29 – May 3 or 4.

Because this year I will celebrate and have fun! That’s my goal!

Anti-Potty PMan

27 Mar

I seriously don’t know what to do here.

I have an almost 4 year old that will not try the potty…doesn’t want anything to do with big boy underwear and has to be potty trained to go to preschool.

People say, you can do it in one day…I just read a post about it…and yes I have a day I can do it in, but im sure he’ll still have accidents and such for the week after and being a single full time working mom…yikes.

It feels nearly impossible…I wanna cry thinking about it…I am crying thinking about it.

I don’t know how to teach him to stand up and go potty…there is no male influence in his life that can…which I know, he’s only 4 her can sit, but still.

I really just wanna bang my head against a wall about this..

Thats all…needed to vent

Who Would Want Me?

21 Mar

Can I just be brutally honest here…

I have really not been liking myself as of recent.

That stupid devil is in my head and I am struggling to shake him. It all started Saturday after the date. (Sidebar: It wasn’t awful, but he and I said like 10 words to each other and it was obvious to me he was far from interested and I was not interested…) Anyways I came home and began to let the lack of interest eat at me…and here we are, Wed and it’s eating at me really well.

Who’s gonna want to be with a single mom? A single mom that to the world’s standards doesn’t fit the mold. I have two things against me here. 1) I am a single mom. 2) I am not skinny…I am not what the world, society deems “beautiful”. The latter is what bothers me most, because to some extent I can change it. I can lose weight, put on loads of make up, wear revealing clothes, etc. But that’s not me..(the make up and clothes part haha). I would love to magically snap my fingers and make myself look how I want to look…but it just doesn’t work that way.

And because of how society works and what it says is beautiful, I don’t match up. Forget that I have a wonderful personality and am loving and such…I don’t look like a 10 so there goes a good percentage of the guys.

So those are 2 “strikes” against me. Then add in that I am a Christian and have certain beliefs and values (some regarding, ahem, s-e-x) and strike 3.

Add those up and mix together with that darn satan guy and BAM….I start thinking things. These thoughts start to eat at me and I become convinced that I will remain alone forever. Which, I know, is not a bad thing, but that’s not my point here. My point is that. I have to come up with a way to change my thinking. Because it’s obviously not helping me and it’s not healthy. I will be the first to stand up and admit that I don’t feel I have value. I don’t feel like im worth it. It’s hard to feel that way…given what I went through. The ex left some deep wounds that actually are less about him and more about me…he made me feel loves and valuable and worthy, then he took that away when he chose someone else over me.

I thought I was getting it back…but I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I don’t like feeling this way andI realize that the only guy that matters is my Daddy in Heaven.

But it doesn’t make it easy.

So I am writing this, not fishing for compliments or anything. I write this for 1) to get it out… I can’t hold it in. And 2) to ask for prayer, this is a very specific prayer you can pray for me.

I know that I am one lucky gal. I mean, if Pman isn’t enough to make me lucky, add in my amazing awesome friends that stick by me and support me through all of life’s ups and downs, add in my family, add in my job…and add in MY GOD.

I need to remind myself of that more.

Blind Date

16 Mar

I just have one question, WHAT AM I THINKING!?

I let my friend talk me into doing on a blind date tomorrow night. The selling point – her and her husband will be with us. Because you know, there’s safety in numbers. And the best part its a blind date…I know nothing about this guy..well not nothing, I do know his name and a couple of random things my friend has told me. I am going in not knowing what he looks like, how he is personality wise, ect.

And all I can think is…WHAT AM I DOING?

I haven’t dated since 2005 when I met the ex. LOL…what’s the new dating scene like? I don’t know. I am ready to start dating again, I do know that. I am not looking for a new husband though, honestly my view of marriage is kind of distorted right now after my divorce…but that’s a whole other post.

Back to my date…so many what if’s going through my head. What if this, what if that, what if this that and the other. I don’t know what to expect so I can honestly I am going in expecting pizza and talking and nothing more haha.

But seriously, WHAT AM I THINKING? Why did I agree to this again? I seriously don’t know haha!

I’ll make a post about the experience after the fact…with no names, just because well, gotta protect Mr. Blind Date Guy haha…

Here goes nothing…

What I Want Vs. What God has Planned…

6 Mar

What I want:

To not be divorced

To not be a single mom

To not be working full time

To be a SAHM

To feel financially stableĀ 

To not feel tired all the time

To not be sad

What God Has Planned:

For me to live in the complete opposite of what I want to teach me…grow me….

Sigh